The Soul mate

how much pain does it take to bend someone? Feeling such warmth in my life, so much love and affection, to have it all suddenly taken from me. To be denied my nature. Place upon a pedestal for all to see, for them to cast stones. I hold my head high, I know in my heart who I am.

It's been a long time now since that moment. That moment where that love, that love that made me who I am was taken. I don't know if she stopped loving me before that moment, or if she does still and denies it. Every day without her is empty, my days melt into each other, weeks pass by, months.. I feel like it's already been an eternity. There are times the pain shook me so badly, for the first time entertaining thoughts of if I really could drive a piece of cold steel between my ribs, it would only take a moment, and then the pain would stop. Truth be told I'd never do such a thing, but I did think about it. I understand why someone would do it, more now than ever. This blog is called desires.. and I have one......

I desire the woman that made me melt with her smile. I desire her touch, the way that she laughed and danced about when she was happy. A woman who touched my very soul with her love and tenderness. Every moment with her was amazing. I never knew what it would be like to need someone... I need her, she completed me. She'll never know how much I do love her. She won't let me tell her..... No matter how much time passes, my love for her lives on. If you're out there, and if you read this, you know who you are, and who I am. I truly do need you, my heart needs you, my soul isn't complete without you.

Time

Time passes, without asking permission, taking head of any particular rules or circumstance. Time moves forward, marching steadily along into the deep night of eternity.

Time heals all wounds, is a popular phrase. I'm not so sure it's true. Time may allow someone to get used to their new way of life, new circumstances, new situations, however does that hurt really ever subside?

Do we get better, or just get used to the pain?

Forsaken

"Live what you believe" has always been my motto. All appearances point to a belief system that changes based on the current desires at hand. Is that how someone should live their life? What kind of person goes around preaching one thing and doing another? Too many in these present times it seems. This woman, the love of my life, sitting there, talking, as if she is someone that I'm no longer familiar with. It as if a stranger has taken up residence. After so much time together, wouldn't I have seen these hidden things? Could I have been so blind to trust her with my inner most feelings, desires, thoughts and feelings, to just have them bashed upon the rocks? How can someone claim so much love, and walk away? Did they lie, did they realize it wasn't love, did they fall in love with someone else? All these questions and not many answers. No one will ever know the truth to these questions. Acceptance of the cold reality is the only hope of survival. " Even if you were a fool to trust someone with your heart, you can't let it break you. Not everyone will be as cold as heartless." I tell myself through the tears. As my heart aches, with every beat feels like bursting. The pain radiates through me, I find myself on my knees "God please, I can't handle it anymore, please just end this, have mercy on me and just take me home." Silence is all that surrounds me, in the quiet darkness, as though all that exists has forsaken me.

Pain

The key turned in the door, like it had a hundred times before. Walking inside, the door making that familiar sound when closed. Taking a moment to look around at this dwelling. I realized how empty it truly was. Shaking off that feeling and going about my business as I always do. Taking a moment to check messages, just to see if anyone had tried to get a hold of me. Empty, "That's odd, usually there is at least a solicitor or two that calls during the day," I think to myself. Turning on some music to sooth me after a difficult day. The sounds resonate through the room, and no comfort does it bring me. I feel restless, inconsolable and I don't take the time to focus on it. Ignoring it the best that I can, pretending it's not there. "Well time for bed, more to do tomorrow," I say out loud. Retiring to the bedroom, pulling back the covers, climbing into that comfortable place of warmth. Even these satin sheets and heavy comforter don't feel right this evening. Turning over on my side, my mind wanders back to a happier time. A time which there was more warmth between these sheets than there is now. I fight the feeling, but succumbing, tears still manage to find their way to the surface. "How long will it hurt like this?," I ask, I now there is no answer to be had. No one can face this but me. I'm the one who is here because of choices made. Bearing this burden falls upon who has created it. Never having guessed that love could bring with it so much pain. Thinking that if I had it to do over, you know, even knowing how much I hurt now, without hesitation I'd do it all over again. I'd love her anyways....

Tinted Glass

I can't help but wonder if anyone has ever had something happen, that affected everything you said and did. To make a mistake, that no matter what you did after, everything was then tainted in the eyes of someone else? It seems as though the past was rewritten and every nice thing you ever said and did no longer mattered. Everything you do now and then is seen through like a piece of tinted glass. No matter how hard you try to get them to see the real you, it's in vein, they've made up their minds. Perhaps only time can lift such a veil.

When is that moment?

When is that moment in which you know love is real? Is when you look at that other person across from you, and can't imagine a life without them? When you look into their eyes, and you can't remember a time when they weren't there. When you upset them and it feels like you hurt yourself along with them. Perhaps its different for everyone, and sometimes, maybe you don't know, until they are no longer there. You never know what is, until it is no longer. It is such a cruel truth, that you never realize what you have, until it is no longer with you. So many make that mistake, perhaps its there for us to learn. To learn not to repeat our mistakes, help us to make better choices, to reflect on who we are, to plant that mirror at our feet, and take a good look at who we are. If we don't like what we see, how can we expect others to do the same? So when is that moment? Don't try and hide it from the one you love, nothing worse than loving someone and never telling them. Better to let it out and be known, than to live with what might have been. At least you can have comfort in knowing you tried. So brings us back to that question, when is that moment, when we pour our hearts out to the other? When we realize that this person before you is the "one"? So I ask you, when is that moment?

Take the time

A soul that completes your own. A person that when they are next to you, you feel complete, happy, serine. What happens to someone when one or the other decides to leave? Emptiness, sorrow, a feeling of having lost a part of yourself along with this other person. How do you get over something like that? Is there really a day that comes when you just stop loving them? Putting on a mask for the world, so you can do what you need to do, perhaps is the best you can manage. They are in your dreams, in your thoughts, and still very much a part of your life emotionally. Is it obsession? The dictionary describe obsession as follows , a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; compelling motivation an obsession with profits. So by definition, technically, eating could be an obsession. If you don't eat you will die, you are compelled to eat to survive. So not a very fitting definition. A persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling. In my opinion obsession does not cover Love, esp true love.
Now let's look at Love.... strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties.
When you find that certain someone, that makes you feel alive for the first time. Feel truly loved and adored for all that you are, and you return those feelings to the one you love. What can go wrong with a situation like that? Some might say, pride, greed, unfaithfulness can disrupt those things, but if you love someone so much, why would you do anything to hurt their feelings.

We are all human, is the answer, with your many faults. We get caught up in our lives, our jobs, our projects, our wants and desires. Sometimes some of those situations don't exactly mix with our soulmates, and friction is created. How you deal with that friction is where the key lies. Taking the time to talk, to do things together, to accept each other for who they are. You can only change yourself, you can't change anyone else.

So a little more back on track, if the friction takes place, and continues for some time, it puts strain on both sides of the relationship, resentment builds if not talked about, resentment builds bitterness, and bitterness breeds hate. So if things are left undealt with, two people who love each other very much, end up hating each other, because each one can't believe the other one, did what they did, or feels like they do, or any number of reasons that could have been diffused.

Plus there is always the friend factor, you have people on both sides of the fence, "Oh you're making a big mistake, you're better off without him/her," or any number of combinations of things, especially if they like to see drama take place, they want to stir it up so they benefit in some way, given these people aren't really your friends, but you won't know that until its too late down the road. The only way to be sure, is to listen to your heart and not to others on what you should do.

If you find yourself being upset at your other half, take the time to evaluate it. Is it really worth fighting about? Is it really that big of a deal in the big scheme of things? How would you feel if this argument was the last thing you two ever said to each other?

Think about it, you never know when that moment may be your last together.